When Behaviour Feels Big: What’s Behind It and How to Help

If you’ve ever stood in front of a child mid-meltdown and thought, "What on earth is going on?" - you’re not alone.

When behaviour feels big (loud, unpredictable, explosive, withdrawn, rigid, anxious) it’s easy to go into firefighting mode. To try and stop it, fix it, contain it. And that makes perfect sense.

But what if we took a breath and got curious instead?

Because here’s the thing: behaviour is always telling us something, but that doesn’t mean it’s always a deliberate attempt to communicate.

Current thinking helps us hold this idea with nuance. Some behaviour is purposeful communication - a cry for help, a need being deliberately expressed. But sometimes, especially in children who are neurodivergent or have experienced trauma, is instinctive and protective.

Sometimes a child’s behaviour is a nervous system response - their brain's way of saying, “I don’t feel safe,” even if their words say nothing at all.

So rather than asking, "What are they trying to say?", it can be more helpful to ask:

"What might this behaviour tell me about what they’re experiencing? What do they need from me right now?”

This shift (from interpreting to understanding) moves us from reacting to responding. And that’s where change begins.

Examples: Purposeful vs Protective Behaviour

To help clarify the difference, here are two scenarios:

Purposeful communication: A child slams their book shut and says, “I’m not doing this!” when asked to complete a writing task.

With curiosity, we might find the task feels overwhelming because they’re worried about spelling mistakes. The outburst is an intentional way of expressing frustration and a desire to avoid shame.

Protective, instinctive response: A child suddenly bolts out of the classroom when a loud bell rings.

There’s no conscious message being sent - their body is reacting to sensory overload. It’s a nervous system reflex, not a choice.

In both cases, the behaviour gives us useful information. But how we interpret and respond may differ.

The Iceberg Metaphor: What We See vs What’s Below

Imagine a child’s behaviour like an iceberg. The part above the surface is what we see - the shouting, shutting down, running off, arguing, hitting, hiding.

But the part beneath the water? That’s where the story lives.

• Anxiety

• Sensory overload

• Shame

• Hunger or tiredness

• A trauma trigger

• Difficulty with transitions

• Struggles with communication or understanding

  
  

It’s not our job to label these behaviours as "good" or "bad". It’s our job to become gentle detectives. To ask: What’s going on under the surface? What unmet need is this behaviour pointing to?

  What is Underneath the Behaviour and What Strategies Might Help

Sensory Needs

Many children experience the world through a different sensory lens. What feels neutral to one child might feel overwhelming, painful, or dysregulating to another.

A sudden scream in a quiet classroom might not be defiance - it might be an overwhelmed nervous system reacting to fluorescent lights, scratchy clothing, or a ticking clock.

Occupational therapists and sensory integration specialists often use the term sensory diet - a mix of input and regulation strategies tailored to help a child stay grounded. You don’t need to be an expert to start observing:

• Is the child more reactive in noisy, crowded spaces?

• Do they seek movement or pressure (e.g., leaning, bouncing, crashing)?

• Are transitions particularly tricky?

  
  

Simple adaptations can go a long way: ear defenders, quiet corners, fidget tools, soft lighting, or allowing time out of high-stimulation environments.

The Role of Trauma

Some children carry invisible stories of loss, fear, or disconnection. These experiences can sensitise their nervous systems, making them quicker to go into "fight, flight or freeze" when they feel unsafe.

This doesn’t mean the child is being dramatic or difficult. It means their brain is doing what it thinks it needs to do to survive.

Trauma-informed practice reminds us:

• Safety must come before learning

• Connection is a powerful regulator

• Predictability, routine, and clear boundaries help reduce stress

  
  

A child who has experienced trauma may not respond to behaviour charts or consequence systems the way we expect. They need relationships, co-regulation, and a deep sense of being understood.

Neurodiversity

Whether it’s autism, ADHD, or another neurodevelopmental difference, many children experience the world in ways that don’t fit typical expectations. Their behaviour might reflect difficulties with:

• Emotional regulation

• Social understanding

• Processing language

• Shifting attention or managing impulses

  
  

Rather than asking "Why are they doing this?", try:

*"What is hard for this child right now? What are they asking for, in the only way they know how?"

Neuroaffirming approaches focus on adapting the environment, not forcing the child to fit a rigid mould.

This may include:

• Giving extra processing time

• Using visual timetables or clear routines

• Avoiding unnecessary demands during moments of stress

• Honouring stims or movement needs

Evidence-Based Strategies to Support Regulation

The UK-based Early Intervention Foundation, EEF, and NHS guidance consistently highlight the importance of co-regulation — the adult helping the child return to a calm state by offering calmness themselves.

Here are some practical, evidence-informed strategies:

1. Name it to tame it (Dr. Dan Siegel): Help the child label their emotions: "You look really frustrated. I wonder if that felt too much just now."

2. Co-regulate before problem-solving: Rather than jumping into correction, start with connection. Sit nearby. Offer a calm presence. Speak slowly and softly. Wait.

3. Visual regulation tools: Zones of Regulation, emotions thermometers, or sensory toolkits can help children start to notice and manage their state.

4. Safe, predictable routines: Structure reduces anxiety. Use visual schedules, countdowns to transitions, and consistent expectations.

5. Regulation over reward: Focus on helping the child feel safe, not on offering external rewards or punishments in the heat of distress. A regulated child is a reachable child.

Final Thoughts

When behaviour feels big, our instinct may be to shrink it down as quickly as possible. But lasting change doesn’t come from control. It comes from connection.

It comes from slowing down, leaning in, and asking, What does this child need right now?

Big behaviours are often a signal of something that’s been brewing beneath the surface. When we respond with curiosity instead of judgement, we help children not just behave better - but feel better, too.

And that’s the real work of teaching, parenting, and supporting.