Should I Say ‘Autistic’ or ‘Person with Autism’?

What should I say?

If you’re parenting or caring for a child on the autism spectrum, you’ve likely stumbled upon a question that seems simple on the surface, but actually holds deeper emotional and identity-based layers.

Should I say “autistic child” or “child with autism”?

You may have heard both phrases used (by professionals, educators, other parents) and perhaps you’ve felt unsure about what’s respectful, what’s “correct,” or what your child might want as they grow. If you’ve wondered about this, you're not alone.

Language shapes how we understand one another. It has power. And when it comes to how we talk about autism, that power deserves our thoughtful attention.

Let’s take a moment to gently explore this question through the lens of neurodiversity, identity, and care.

 The Two Common Language Approaches:

1. Person-first language (“child with autism”)

   This approach puts the person before the diagnosis. It emerged from disability rights movements to emphasize humanity and dignity, reminding us that no one is only a diagnosis.

   
   

2. Identity-first language (“autistic child”)

   This approach sees autism not as something separate from the person, but as an integral part of their identity (like being creative, sensitive, or bilingual). For many, it reflects pride, community, and authenticity.

What the Autistic Community Is Saying

Here’s where things become especially important: Many autistic adults, self-advocates, and community-led organisations increasingly prefer identity-first language.

Organizations like the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) emphasize that autism isn’t something a person “has,” like an illness or injury. Rather, it’s a fundamental part of how they perceive, process, and experience the world.

A 2015 study led by Dr. Lorcan Kenny and colleagues at the University of Edinburgh asked over 3,000 people—including autistic individuals, their families, and professionals—what language they preferred. The result?

Autistic individuals were more likely to prefer identity-first language ("autistic person"), while families and professionals tended to use person-first ("person with autism").

This divergence matters. It invites us to pause and ask: Whose voice are we centring when we speak?

So... What Should I Say?

There is no single right answer for every child, every family, or every situation. But here are some guiding thoughts that I offer parents in my clinical work:

• Start with listening.

  If your child is verbal and old enough to express a preference, let them decide what feels right. Some children proudly call themselves autistic; others may not feel ready or may prefer a different frame.

• Respect individual differences.

  Neurodivergent people are not a monolith. While many advocate for identity-first language, not all do. Some prefer “on the spectrum,” or “neurodivergent,” or any other variation.

• Use language with dignity, not distance.

  Whether you say “autistic” or “with autism,” what matters most is your tone, your intention, and your relationship. Are you speaking about your child, or with them? Are your words infused with warmth, or worry? These nuances often speak louder than labels.

Why It Matters

The way we talk about autism doesn’t just reflect how we see our children, it shapes how they see themselves.

A child who hears, “You’re autistic, and that means your brain works differently in some amazing and challenging ways,” begins to understand their neurodivergence not as a shameful secret, but as a meaningful part of their story.

On the other hand, overly clinical or distant language can unintentionally send a message that autism is something bad or broken, something to be “separated” from who they are.

But here’s the truth, shared with love: Your child is not separate from their autism.

It colours how they learn, feel, connect, struggle, and thrive. It’s woven into their passions, their quirks, their sensory joys, and their communication style. And just like you wouldn’t say someone “suffers from being left-handed,” many in the autistic community are asking us to see autism as identity, not illness.

If You're Still Unsure...

You don’t have to get it perfect. Language is evolving, and you are learning. What matters most is your willingness to grow, to listen, and to speak with love.

Here are a few gentle next steps you might take:

• Explore community voices. Follow autistic adults on social media, read their blogs, and listen to their podcasts. You'll gain a richer understanding than any clinical manual could provide.

• Practice curiosity over correctness. If you say “person with autism” today and learn tomorrow that your child prefers “autistic,” just shift gently. No guilt required.

• Keep the conversation open. As your child grows, their identity may evolve. Let them know it’s okay to change their mind.

Final Thoughts

The question, “Should I say autistic or person with autism?” is not just about semantics. It's about identity.

By engaging with this question you are doing something powerful: You are affirming your child’s full humanity. You are choosing to see them, not just through the lens of their needs, but through the richness of their personhood.

Whether you say “autistic child” or “child with autism,” let your language reflect what your child needs most: connection.